"Empty Words"

Update: A friend kindly reminded me (I wish I was as good at the whole "having tact" thing that she does) that this post could be offensive to people who struggle with depression for reasons other than having a bad attitude (Confession: Every so often I get into funks because my attitude needs regular tuning.) Many people struggle with depression because of trauma or chemical imbalances in the brain, and just trying to be happy isn't always an option. There is no shame in seeking medical attention or other forms of help if you need it. If you end up in the position I was in when this was written, here is probably a better place to go then reading this post. 

The other day, I saw a friend post a video on his facebook wall, asking for people to watch it and pay close attention to the text in the video because he needed help with something and was not sure how else to ask. I kept scrolling because I am a terrible person I had other things that I needed to get done. A few other people had already commented on the post, so I assumed that other people were already taking care of it.

Today, the same friend posts the same video, clearly upset that he did not get the help he needed, just "empty words." I watched the video (here). My friend admitted on facebook that he has been struggling with depression, is not sure how much more he can handle, and that he needs help, which is actually really brave on his part.

How do you help someone who's struggling like this? I can't just snap my fingers and magically take the pain away. I left a comment offering some empty words encouragement, but I can't force him to be encouraged by what I, or any one else, has to tell him. I can't force him to stop listening to whatever horrible voice in his head is telling him that he is not enough. I can't force him force him to stay motivated to beat this. All I can give him are my words and whatever time he wants me to listen to him. That's it. He has to chose to feel encouraged, to stay motivated, to ignore whatever is inside his head that tells him he can't beat this. He has to beat this himself because he wants to choose to be happy, even though life is going to be hard sometimes.

But, that's one of the most awesome parts of life. That you can choose to be happy, even though life is going to be hard. I can't force my friend to be happy, but I can't force him to be sad or angry or afraid either. That's entirely up to him. Try to imagine how awful life would be for everyone if happiness only occurred once you had x amount of dollars, looked like y,  had a companion with z traits, and you never had to do any thing unpleasant or frustrating ever. No one would ever be happy because obtaining all of those things is impossible. Isn't it so empowering that your happiness is controlled by you and not what's going on around you?

For those who are struggling with depression, know that you are loved, that you are strong, and that you can beat it. Know that there is no shame in asking for help. Please, let yourselves be encouraged by the words that everyone else to offer, because that's all they have to offer you.

For those of you who love someone who is struggling with depression, know that it is not your fault. Accept that you cannot take all of their problems away. Lift your loved ones up, but do not let them bring you down. If they refuse to be uplifted, that is their fault and not yours. Know that only they are capable of beating their depression, and that any promised change that is based off of your wishes and not theirs, will not be lasting.

For those of you who are scumbags think that it is cute to pretend to have depression for attention, it's not cute and you need to stop it. Yes, it is tempting to use your tears, your cuts, or threats of  throwing away or taking your life to get what you want, but that is manipulative and emotionally abusive and not how you should treat people that you want to have meaningful relationships with. Being lonely is not fun. I understand that better than most people would think, but in the long run, this behavior will leave you more lonely then you are now and cost you some very precious relationships. If the only thing keeping someone from leaving your life is fear or guilt, you should let them go, and make room for someone else who will actually love (the friendly kind, not necessarily, but maybe romantic kind) you.

I recognize that my words aren't always affective. here are someone else's, Dieter F. Uctorf to be exact, words for you are in a dark place in  your life. I hope that somewhere, you find words that are helpful for you.